Fri 2/25/2000 10:56 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
the
old double cross!
Ahmed was a high-ranking official in King Akbar's
court.
However, he had one longstanding wish, to suck on the
queens voluptuous breasts to his hearts delight. Every
time he passed the queen, he would get
frustrated.
He revealed his yearning on day to the court
physician,
Birbal, and begged him to help. After much thought,
Birbal consented.
He would arrange it so that Ahmed
could suck the queens breasts for four solid
hours, in
exchange for 1,000 gold coins. Ahmed agreed.
The next day, Birbal prepared a powerful itching
lotion
and poured it into the queens bra while she was
taking a
bath. Soon
the itching began and grew in intensity, much
to the kings displeasure.
A hurried consultation with the physician Birbal
revealed
that a special saliva, if applied for four hours
would
cure it.
Birbal also added that such a saliva was to be
found only in Ahmed's mouth. King Akbar summoned Ahmed,
and for the next four hours Ahmed licked, kissed,
nibbled,
and sucked the queens breasts. He was in titty heaven!
Afterward, Ahmed returned home to meet Birbal, but,
now
that he had been satisfied, he refused to pay Birbal
anything and chased him away. Ahmed knew that Birbal
could never report this matter to the king.
But Ahmed underestimated Birbal. The next day. Birbal
duly poured the same lotion into King Akbar's
underwear...
and Ahmed was promptly called into service by his
highness
once again.
the end!
-----------------------------------
Mon 2/21/2000 8:50 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
spook(y)
facts
Famous Quotes
==========================================
When individuals try to
convince you that "diversity" is good, think about the following
quotes:
Miles Davis (black jazz
musician)
“If somebody told me I
had only one hour to live, I’d spend it choking a white man. I’d do it nice and
slow.”
Khalid Abdul Muhammed
(New Black Panther Party Leader)
“Hollywood is owned by
these so-called Jews. Look at the movies they make about us, Black people
killing black people. Let’s make some revolutionary movies where we kill white
people in the movie. Kill’em so hard you have to cover up your popcorn from the
blood spraying out of the screen.”
Speech given at San
Francisco State University in May 1997. Malcolm X
“The death of over 120
white people is a very beautiful thing”
(Speech given in Los
Angeles, upon learning of a plane crash.
Mario Obledo (1998
Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient from Clinton, and the former head of
the Mexican-American Legal Defense and Education Fund) “California is going to
be a Mexican state, we are going to control all the institutions. If people don’t like it, they should leave.”
Willie Brown, black Mayor
of San Francisco (currently under investigation by the FBI) To a white parent
complaining that affirmative action would penalize his children. “I don’t care
about your idiot children.” I’ll bet this parent went away with great
satisfaction on affirmative action and diversity.
and a FAMOUS CARING
“CIVIL RIGHTS” LEADER: Former Black Panther leader Jesse Jackson
Admitted in a November,
1969 “Life” magazine interview that when he worked as a waiter in a Greenville,
South Carolina hotel he spat into the soups and salads of White customers.
“[Spitting into the food] gave me a psychological gratification,” Jackson said.
FYI
---------------------------
Tue 2/15/2000 9:39 AM
Tony Ahuja
[[email protected]]
Princess
Melt down
Once upon a time there
lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic -
anything she touched would melt.
Because of this, men
were afraid of her. Nobody would dare
marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He
consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, “If your
daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.”
The king was overjoyed.
The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an
object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king’s wealth.
Three young princes
took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium.
But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly.
The second prince
brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the
world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He
too was sent away disappointed.
The third prince
approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.” The
princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not
melt!!!
The king was overjoyed.
Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the
princess and they both lived happily ever after.
Question: What was the
object in the prince’s pants?
(Scroll down for the
answer)
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
?
They were M&M’s of
course. They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
(What were you thinking?)
-------------------------------------------
Thu 2/17/2000 1:01 PM
Janet & Mike Morel
[[email protected]]
The
Mailman's Last Day
It was George’s last day
on the job as a postman after 35 years of delivering
the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.
When he arrived at the
first house on his route, George was greeted by the
whole family there, who
roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on
his way with a tidy gift
envelope with a hundred dollar bill.
At the second house the
owners presented him with a box of fine Cuban cigars.
The folks at the third
house, knowing he was an avid fisherman, handed him a
selection of terrific
fishing lures.
At the fourth house
George was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing
negligee. She took him by the hand,
beckoning him in,
closing the door behind
them, leading him up the stairs to the bedroom where
she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they
went downstairs, where she then fixed him a giant
breakfast: eggs,
potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles and fresh squeezed
orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming
coffee.
As she was pouring, he
noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cups
bottom edge. “All this was just too wonderful for words,”
he said, but what’s the dollar for?”
“Well”, she said, “last
night, I told my husband that today would be your
last day, and that we
should do something special for you. I
asked him what
to give you. He said, “Fuck him. Give him a dollar.—The breakfast was my
idea.”
-------------------------------------------
Tue 2/15/2000 3:56 AM
JIM SMITH [[email protected]]
quiz: what is hair color?
In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful
young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked
out
in a tight leather mini skirt with matching leather
boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became
her turn to get on, she became aware the skirt was
too
tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of
the
first step on the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with
a quick smile to the driver, she reached behind her
and
unzipped her skirt a little, thinking this would give
her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to
make the step onto the bus only to discover she still
could not do it. So, a little more embarrassed, she
once
again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a
little
more and for a second time attempted the step, and
once
again much to her chagrin, she could not raise her
leg
because of the tight skirt. So, with a coy little
smile
to the driver, she again unzipped the offending skirt
to give her a little more slack and again was unable
to
make the step.
About this time, the big Texan that was behind her in
line, picked her up easily from the waist and placed
her
lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went
ballistic and turned to the would-be hero, screaming
at
him, "How dare you touch my body. I don't even
know who
you are!"
At this, the Texan drawled, "Well ma'am,
normally I
would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly
three times, I kinda figured we was friends."
-------------------------------------------
Thu 2/10/2000 10:10 AM
sweet
revenge!
How many men does it take
to open a beer?
None. It should be opened
by the time she brings it.
Why do women have smaller
feet than men?
It’s one of those
“evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a women’s
watch?
You don’t. There is a
clock on the stove.
If your dog is barking at
the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do let in first?
The dog, of course. He’ll
shut up once you let him in.
I married Miss Right. I
just didn’t know her first name was Always.
I haven’t spoken to my
wife for 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt
her.
Our last fight was my
fault. My wife asked me “What’s on the TV? I said “dust!”
In the beginning God
created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created
Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
Why do men die before
their wives?
They want to.
A beggar walked up to a
well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said “I haven’t eaten anything
in 4 days.” She looked at him and said “God, I wish I had your willpower.”
Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t
know his wife until he marries her?” Dad: That happens in every country, Son.
A man inserted an
advertisement in the classifieds: “Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a
hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“Take mine.”
The most effective way
to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
------------------------------------------------
Mon 2/14/2000 6:28 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
a
bit old, me thinks
A flat-chested young
lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about
breast enlargements. He tells her,
“Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say,
‘Scooby dooby dooby. I want bigger
boobies.’”
She did this every day
faithfully and after several months, it worked!
She grew great
boobs! One morning she was running late
and in her rush to leave for work, she realized she had forgotten her morning
ritual.
At this point she loved
her boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up in the middle of the bus
and said, “Scooby dooby dooby, I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby
asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory dickory dock....”
-------------------------------------------
Wed 2/9/2000 4:09 PM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
Just another coincidence?
Some of this you’ve
seen or heard before-
Here’s a little part of
US history which makesnyou go HMMMMM...
Abraham Lincoln was
elected to Congress in 1846
John F. Kennedy was
elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was
elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was
elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and
Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly
concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their
children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were
shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were
shot in the head.
Lincoln’s secretary was
named Kennedy.
Kennedy’s secretary was
named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated
by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by
Southerners.
Both successors were
named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who
succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who
succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who
assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who
assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were
known by their three names.
Both names are
comprised of fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the
theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a
warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were
assassinated before their trials.
And here’s the
kicker...
A week before Lincoln
was shot, he visited Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy
was shot, he visited Marilyn Monroe.
-------------------------------------------
Thu 2/3/2000 9:18 AM
Gurski, Edwin [[email protected]]
Bad Day!!!!!
Never was fond of the saying, “HAVE A GOOD DAY!
B _ U _ T
!!!!
Next time you think you’re having a bad day recall:
1. The
average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in
Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved
animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from
onlookers. A minute later they were
both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New York rented out her
spare room to a carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his
reactions. After weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an
ax leaving her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los AAngeles made an
attempt on the world flagpole-sitting record.
Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours short of the 400 day
record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had left him and his phone
and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her husband in the
kitchen, shaking frantically with what looked like a wire running from his
waist towards the electric kettle.
Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she whacked him with
a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm in two places. Till
that moment he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at
the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all
two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling
the two hapless protesters to death.
And the capper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn’t pay enough
postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “return to sender” stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Here’s hoping your day is better than any of these.
-------------------------------------------
Thu 2/3/2000 9:20 AM
Gurski, Edwin [[email protected]]
Classified Ads
Some real ads found in the classifieds:
FREE
PUPPIES:
1/2
COCKER SPANIEL -
1/2
SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG
-----------------------------------
FREE
YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8
YEARS OLD. UNPLEASANT LITTLE DOG.
----------------------------------
1
MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer
----------------------------------
AMANA
WASHER $100.
OWNED
BY CLEAN BACHELOR WHO SELDOM WASHED.
----------------------------------
SNOW
BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY
USED ON SNOWY DAYS.
----------------------------------
FREE
PUPPIES...PART GERMAN SHEPHERD - PART
STUPID DOG
----------------------------------
2
WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES:
1
5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15
----------------------------------
TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS
OWN
1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO,
EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800
----------------------------------
COWS,
CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO
1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.
----------------------------------
83 TOYOTA
HUNCHBACK -- $2000
----------------------------------
SOFT
& GENITAL BATH TISSUES OR FACIAL TISSUE
89 cents
----------------------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs.
NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE.
----------------------------------
FULL SIZED MATTRESS.
20
YR. WARRANTY.
LIKE
NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL.
----------------------------------
FREE
1 CAN OF PORK & BEANS
WITH
PURCHASE OF 3 BR 2 BATH HOME.
----------------------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300
HARDLY USED ***************
CALL
CHUBBIE ***************
----------------------------------
BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING
"WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS"
----------------------------------
SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS
----------------------------------
FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG.
LOOKS LIKE A RAT...
BEEN
OUT AWHILE..
BETTER BE REWARD.
----------------------------------
HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER
"IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!"
----------------------------------
GET A
LITTLE JOHN:
THE
TRAVELING URINAL
HOLDS 2 1/2 BOTTLES OF BEER.
----------------------------------
HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB
----------------------------------
NICE
PARACHUTE:
NEVER
OPENED - USED ONCE
SLIGHTLY STAINED
----------------------------------
FREE: FARM KITTENS. READY TO EAT.
----------------------------------
AMERICAN FLAG
60
STARS - POLE INCLUDED $100
----------------------------------
TIRED
OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE
OFFER
PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR.
----------------------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN
SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS -$175.
----------------------------------
OUR
SOFA SEATS THE WHOLE MOB
AND
IT'S MADE OF 100% ITALIAN LEATHER.
----------------------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST
SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.
----------------------------------
LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY.
-----------------------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES
FOR
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER
----------------------------------
GROUND BEAST: 99 cents lb.
----------------------------------
GAS CLOUD
CLEARS OUT TACO BELL.
----------------------------------
FULLY COOKED BONELESS SMOKED MAN -
$2.09 lb.
-------------------------------------------
Fri 2/4/2000 6:55 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
LUV
How to say "I Love You" in
any language
English ..... I Love You
Spanish .... Te Amo
French ...... Je T'aime
German .... Ich Liebe Dich
Japanese .. Ai Shite Imasu
Italian ....... Ti Amo
Chinese .... Wo Ai Ni
Swedish ... Jag Alskar Dig
Eskimo ..... Nagligivaget
Greek ....... S'Agapo
Hawaiian ... Aloha Wau Ia Oe
Irish .......... Thaim In Grabh Leat
Hebrew ..... Ani Ohev Otakh
Russian .... Ya Lyublyu Tyebya
Albanian ... Une Te Dua
Finnish ..... Mina Rakkastan Sinua
Turkish ..... Seni Seviyorum
Hungarian . Se Ret Lay
Persian ..... Du Stet Daram
Maltese .... Jien Inhobbok
Catalan ..... Testimo Molt
Redneck ... Wanna share my beer
-------------------------------------------
Fri 2/4/2000 5:51 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
Bunch
of Twinkie maligners!!
The Twinkie Torture Test
Twinkie Failure Testing
You eat them. Now understand how strong and resilient they really are! a.. EXPOSURE: A Twinkie was left on a window
ledge for four days, during which time an inch and a half of rain fell. Many
flies were observed crawling across the Twinkie’s surface, but contrary to
hypothesis, birds—even pigeons—avoided this potential source of sustenance.
Despite the rain and prolonged exposure to the sun, the Twinkie retained its
original color and form. When removed, the Twinkie was found to be
substantially dehydrated. Cracked open,
it was observed to have taken on the consistency of industrial foam insulation;
the filling, however, retained its advertised “creaminess.” b.. RADIATION: A
Twinkie was placed in a conventional microwave oven, which was set for
precisely 4 minutes—the approximate cooking time of bacon. After 20 seconds, the oven began to emit the
Twinkie’s rich, characteristic aroma of artificial butter. After 1 minute, this
aroma began to resemble the acrid smell of burning rubber. The experiment was aborted
after 2 minutes, 10 seconds, when thick, foul smoke began billowing from the
top of the oven. A second Twinkie was subjected to the same experiment. This
Twinkie leaked molten white filling. When cooled, this now epoxylike filling
bonded the Twinkie to its plate, defying gravity; it was removed only upon
application of a butter knife. c..
EXTREME FORCE: A Twinkie was dropped from a ninth-floor window, a fall of
approximately 120 feet. It landed right side up, then bounced onto its back.
The expected “splatter” effect was not observed. Indeed, the only discernible
damage to the Twinkie was a narrow fissure on its underside. Otherwise, the Twinkie remained structurally
intact. d.. EXTREME COLD: A Twinkie was
placed in a conventional freezer for 24 hours. Upon removal, the Twinkie was
not found to be frozen solid, but its physical properties had noticeably
“slowed”: the filling was found to be the approximate consistency of acrylic
paint, while exhibiting the mercurylike property of not adhering to practically
any surface. It was noticed that the Twinkie had generously absorbed freezer
odors. e.. EXTREME HEAT: A Twinkie was
exposed to a gas flame for 2 minutes. While the Twinkie smoked and blackened
and the filling in one of its “cream holes” boiled, the Twinkie did not catch
fire. It did, however, produce the same “burning rubber” aroma noticed during
the irradiation experiment. f..
IMMERSION: A Twinkie was dropped into a large beaker filled with tap water. The
Twinkie floated momentarily, began to list and sink, and viscous yellow
tendrils ran off its lower half, possibly consisting of a water-soluble
artificial coloring. After 2 hours, the Twinkie had bloated substantially. Its
coloring was now a very pale tan—in contrast to the yellow, urine-like water
that surrounded it. The Twinkie bobbed when touched, and had a gelatinous
texture. After 72 hours, the Twinkie was found to have bloated to roughly 200
percent of its original size, the water had turned opaque, and a small,
fan-shaped spray of filling had leaked from one of the “cream holes.”
Unfortunately, efforts to remove the Twinkie for further analysis were
abandoned when, under light pressure, the Twinkie disintegrated into an
amorphous cloud of debris. A distinctly sour odor was noted. g.. SUMMARY OF RESULTS: The Twinkie’s
survival of a 120-foot drop, along with some of the unusual phenomena
associated with the “creamy filling” and artificial coloring, should give pause
to those observers who would unequivocally categorize the Twinkie as “food.”
Further clinical inquiry is required before any definite conclusions can be
drawn.
-------------------------------------------
Thu 2/3/2000 8:18 PM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
the knees are the first
to go!
Aging Gertrude was a 93
year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her
husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in
death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out
Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart
since it was so badly broken anyway.
Not wanting to miss the
vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her
doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. “On a
woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left
breast.”
Later that night,
Gertrude was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
-------------------------------------------
Tue 2/1/2000 5:33 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
I
won’t
A man is driving down
the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on
the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”
The monks graciously
accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The
next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t
tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man is disappointed
but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the
same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.The monks accept him, feed
him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had
heard years earlier.The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply,
“We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”
The man says, “All
right, all right. I’m “dying” to know. If the only way can find out what that
sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You
must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the
exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a
monk.”
The man sets about his
task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the
monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have
asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and
231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.”
The monks reply,
“Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the
sound.”
The monks lead the man
to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that
door.”The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real
funny. may I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door
is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The
monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He
demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is “another” door, this one made of sapphire.So
it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz,
amethyst...
Finally, the monks say,
“This is the last key to the last door.”
The man is relieved to
no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed
to find the source of that strange sound....
...but I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk.
-------------------------------------------
Thu 1/27/2000 9:05 AM
felling
patriotic!
Stand Proud
This is one of the best
editorials that I have ever read regarding the United States.
It is nice that one man
realizes it, I only wish that the rest of the world would realize it. We are
always blamed for everything, and never even get a thank you for the things we do.
I would hope that each of
you would send this to as many people as you can and emphasize that they should
send it to as many of their friends until this letter is sent to every person
on the web.
I am just a single
American that has read this,
I SURE HOPE THAT A
LOT MORE READ
IT SOON.
------------------------------
Date: December 19, 1999 1:47 PM
TRIBUTE TO THE UNITED
STATES
This, from a Canadian
newspaper, is worth sharing.
America: The Good
Neighbor.
Widespread but only partial
news coverage was given recently to a remarkable editorial broadcast from
Toronto by Gordon Sinclair, Canadian television commentator.
What follows is the full
text of his trenchant remarks as printed in the Congressional Record:
“This Canadian thinks it
is time to speak up for the Americans as the most generous and possibly the
least appreciated people on all the earth.
Germany, Japan and, to a
lesser extent, Britain and Italy were lifted out of the debris of war by the
Americans who poured in billions of dollars and forgave other billions in
debts.
None of these countries
is today paying even the interest on its remaining debts to the United States.
When the franc was in
danger of collapsing in 1956, it was the Americans who propped it up, and their
reward was to be insulted and swindled on the streets of Paris. I was there. I
saw it.
When earthquakes hit
distant cities, it is the United States that hurries in to help. This spring,
59 American communities were flattened by tornadoes. Nobody helped.
The Marshall Plan and the
Truman Policy pumped billions of dollars into discouraged countries. Now newspapers in those countries are
writing about the decadent, warmongering Americans.
I’d like to see just one
of those countries that is gloating over the erosion of the United States
dollar build its own airplane. Does any other country in the world have a plane
to equal the Boeing Jumbo Jet, the Lockheed Tri-Star, or the Douglas DC10? If so, why don’t they fly them?
Why do all the
International lines except Russia fly American Planes?
Why does no other land on
earth even consider putting a man or woman on the moon? You talk about Japanese
technocracy, and you get radios.
You talk about German
technocracy, and you get automobiles.
You talk about American
technocracy, and you find men on the moon - not once, but several times - and
safely home again.
You talk about scandals,
and the Americans put theirs right in the store window for everybody to look at
. Even their draft-dodgers are not
pursued and hounded. They are here on
our streets, and most of them, unless they are breaking Canadian laws, are
getting American dollars from ma and pa at home to spend here.
When the railways of
France, Germany and India were breaking down through age, it was the Americans
who rebuilt them.
When the Pennsylvania
Railroad and the New York Central went broke, nobody loaned them an old
caboose. Both are still broke.
I can name you 5000 times
when the Americans raced to the help of other people in trouble. Can you name
me even one time when someone else raced to the Americans in trouble? I don’t
think there was outside help even during the San Francisco earthquake.
Our neighbors have faced
it alone, and I’m one Canadian who is damned tired of hearing them get kicked
around.
They will come out of
this thing with their flag high. And
when they do, they are entitled to thumb their nose at the lands that are
gloating over their present troubles. I
hope Canada is not one of those.”
Stand proud, Americans
-------------------------
Mon 1/24/2000 7:19 AM
quandary
This is a moral question
for you. It is an imaginary situation, but it is
fun to decide what you
would do.
The situation: You are in
the Midwest, and there is a huge flood in progress. Many homes have been lost,
water supplies compromised, and infrastructure destroyed.
You are a photographer
out getting still photos for a news service, traveling alone, looking for
particularly poignant scenes.
Suddenly, you stumble
across Bill Clinton struggling to keep from being
swept away in a raging
river and you have the choice of rescuing him or
getting a Pulitzer
prize-winning photograph of the death of a President.
What shutter speed would
you use?
----------------------------------
Mon 1/24/2000 5:21 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
Baaa
wow
Once upon a time, a
blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and
dyed brown. A few days later, as she was out driving around the countryside,
she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute wooly
creatures, she said to the shepherd, “If I can guess how many sheep you have,
can I take one?” The shepherd, always the gentleman, said, “Sure!” The blonde
thought for a moment and, for no discernible reason, said, “352.”
This being the correct
number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed, and exclaimed,
“You’re right! O.K., I’ll keep to my end of the deal.
Take your pick of my
flock.”
The blonde carefully
considered the entire flock and finally picked the one that was by far cuter
and more playful than any of the others. When she was done, the shepherd turned
to her and said, “O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your
true hair color, can I have my dog back?”
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/21/2000 9:32 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
3
Wishes......
A woman was out golfing
one day when she hit her ball into the woods.
She went into the woods
to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, “If you
release me from this trap, I will grant you 3 wishes.”
The woman freed the frog
and the frog said, “Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a
condition to your wishes-that whatever you wish for, your husband will get 10 times more or better!” The woman
said, ”That would be okay,” and for her
first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, “You
do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in
the world, an Adonis, that women will flock to.
“The woman replied, “That
will be okay because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will only have eyes for me.”
So, KAZAM, she’s the most
beautiful woman in the world.
For her second wish, she
wanted to be the richest woman in the
world.
The frog said, “That will
make your husband the richest man in the world and he will be ten times richer than you.”
The woman said, “That
will be okay because what is mine is his and what is his is mine.”
So, KAZAM she’s the richest
woman in the world!
The frog then inquired
about her third wish, and she answered,
I’d like a mild heart attack.”
Moral of the story : Women are clever bitches. Don’t mess with
them
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/21/2000 12:24 PM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Supermodels : )
Naomi Campbell, Claudia
Schiffer and Cindy Crawford are flying to a Super models conference in Paris,
when the captain of the plane announces: We have just lost power to the engines
and are going to make an Emergency crash landing - assume the brace position
immediately! The three Models start preparing for the worst Claudia pulls out
lipstick and make-up and starts fixing her face. Bewildered, Naomi and Cindy ask: “What the hell are you doing
fixing your face when we are about to
crash!” Claudia responds: “I know for a fact that the rescue workers will
search for and save first, the ones with the best looking faces, which is why I
am putting on my make-up.” Cindy rips open her blouse to expose two beautiful
mounds of flesh which inexplicably defy the law of gravity. Totally confused,
Naomi and Claudia shout: “Cindy, have you lost your senses? Why are you baring
your breasts for everyone to see when we are about to die?” Cindy responds: “I
have it on good authority in plane crashes, the rescue workers look to save the
women with big beautiful breasts, which is why I am exposing my tits!” Not
hesitating, Naomi pulls down her skirt and panties to expose her love triangle.” Freaking out, Claudia and Cindy yell:
Naomi, are you crazy? Why are you exposing your crotch for everyone to see?”
Calmly, Naomi responds: “Bitches, please!
I know for a fact the first thing the rescue workers look for is a black
box!”
-----------------------
Thu 1/27/2000 9:42 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Politically
Uncorrect.....
Something To Offend
Darn-Near Everyone. . .
Where does an Irish
family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the
Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him Sum Ting
Wong.
What would you call it
when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when
the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re hiring.
Why aren’t there any
Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they’re not going
to work in the future, either.
Did you hear about the
dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying,
“Yo”
What do you call an
Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A pimp.
Why do drivers education
classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and
Fridays? Because on Tuesday and
Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What’s the difference
between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet
little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get another sweet little
80-year-old lady to yell BINGO!
What’s the Cuban national
anthem?
“Row, Row, Row Your Boat”
What’s the difference
between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale
begins “Once upon a time...”
A southern fairytale
begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit...
-------------------------
Fri 1/28/2000 11:13 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
TOP 15 THINNEST BOOKS
15. MY PLAN TO FIND THE
REAL KILLERS - by O. J. Simpson
14. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO
FOR MONEY - by Dennis Rodman
13. THE WILD YEARS - by
Al Gore
12. AMELIA EARHART’S
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN
11. AMERICA’S MOST
POPULAR LAWYERS
10. DETROIT - A TRAVEL
GUIDE
9. DR. KEVORKIAN’S
COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES
8. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW
ABOUT WOMEN
7. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW
ABOUT MEN
6. GEORGE FOREMAN’S BIG
BOOK OF BABY NAMES
5. TO ALL THE MEN I’VE
LOVED BEFORE - by Ellen DeGeneres
4. MIKE TYSON’S GUIDE TO
DATING ETIQUETTE
3. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES -
by the EPA
2. THE AMISH PHONE
DIRECTORY
And the World’s Number
One Shortest book...
1. THE BOOK OF VIRTUES -
by Bill Clinton
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/28/2000 1:41 PM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
windows
be cumin
Microsoft has announced
the release of a special
Ebonics version of
Windows 98, titled “IT BE A FRESH WINDOW.”
There are numerous
differences between standard Windows 98 and the Ebonics version.
For example, when
opening the Ebonics version, it will have several gangsta signs, slogans, and
“shout outs”.
On the main screen, My
Computer is replaced with “Dis My S---.”
The Recycle Bin has
been replaced with a Goodwill dumpster.
The network is replaced
with “Da Hood.”
Users of the Ebonics
version will notice several command and dialogue box changes:
1. Break Back In = Re-entry
2. Aww S---, = Error
3. Itz All Good = OK
4. 4 Real Doe =Yes
5. Hold Up, Dawg = Cancel
6. Do Dat S--- Again = Reset
7. R U Crazy = Are You Sure
8. Hunt Dat Down = Find
9. Put A Cap In It = Delete
10. Games & S-- = Programs
11. Letter S--- = Documents
The Ebonics version
comes standard with a special edition of Microsoft Works entitled “Homie
Essentials.”
Several words on the
title bar have been changed:
1. Dat Thang = File
2. I Be Seein’ It = View
3. Put Sumpin In = Insert
4. Hook It Up = Format
5. Stuff I Ain’t Gone Need = Tools
6. Number S--- = Table
7. Break In = Window
8. What Da F---??? = Help
Auto Correct has been replaced with “Keepin’ it Real”.
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/21/2000 5:09 AM
nice
story
Three bros are toolin’
down a canyon road:
Beatnik, Dean, and
Rapper. Rapper hits a skunk, goes over
a hillside, and is killed instantly.
As the paramedics haul
the body away, Dean says “Y’know, one of us oughtta go tell his old lady what
happened”.. Beatnik says “Okay, I’m
pretty good at that kinda shit, so I’ll do it”. Two hours later, Beatnik comes back carryin’ a cold six pack of
beer. Dean asks “Where did you get the
brew?”. “Rapper’s ol’ lady gave it to
me”. “That’s unbelievable - you told
her that her old man just got snuffed, and she gave you a six pack?”. “Not exactly” explains Beatnik, “When she
answered the door, I said ‘you must be Rapper’s widow’. She said ‘No, I ain’t no widow.’ and that’s
when I said ‘Wanna bet me a six pack on that?”.
---------------------
Thu 1/20/2000 11:42 AM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
blond
joak
A guy is having a drink
in a very dark bar. He leans over to the big woman next to him and says: “Do
you wanna hear a funny blonde joke?” The big woman replies: “Well, before you
tell me that joke, you should know something. I’m blond, six feet tall, 210
pounds, and I’m a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. Also, the blond
woman sitting next to me is 6’ 2”, weighs 220 pounds, and she is a professional
wrestler. And next to her is a blond who is 6’5”, weighs 250 pounds, and she’s
a professional kickboxer. Now, do you still want to tell that blond joke?” The guy thinks about it a second and says:
“No, not if I’m gonna have to explain it three times.”
-------------------------------------------
Wed 1/19/2000 11:37 AM
Tony Ahuja
[[email protected]]
Tasteless
Funnies
Which
sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask
your mom.
-----------------------
How
do you know when you’re REALLY ugly?
Dogs
hump your leg with their eyes closed.
-----------------------
How
do you know you’re leading a sad life?
When
a nymphomaniac tells you, “Let’s just be friends.”
-----------------------
Mom’s
have Mother’s Day, Father’s have Father’s Day. What do single guys have?
Palm
Sunday
-----------------------
Why
is being in the military like a blowjob?
The
closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.
-----------------------
What
do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
Miracle
Whip.
-----------------------
What
does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her
navel.
-----------------------
What
has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A
bingo machine.
-----------------------
What
is the quickest way to clear out a men’s restroom?
Say,
“Nice dick.”
-----------------------
What’s
the difference between a porcupine and
a BMW?
The
porcupine has pricks on the outside.
-----------------------
What
did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
“Are
you sure it’s mine?”
-----------------------
What’s
the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer
nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
-----------------------
Why
does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace
will do that to you.
-----------------------
Why
did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone
has the same DNA.
-----------------------
Where
does an Irish family go on vacation?
A
different bar.
-----------------------
Why
don’t bunnies make noise when they make love?
Because
they have cotton balls.
-----------------------
Did
you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They
named him Sum Ting Wong.
-----------------------
What
does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They’re
hiring.
-----------------------
Why
do men find it difficult to make eye contact with a woman?
Breasts
don’t have eyes.
-----------------------
What
do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A
pimp.
-----------------------
Why
do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because
on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
-----------------------
What’s
the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A
southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along
with a recipe.
-----------------------
How
do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck?
Get
another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell
BINGO!
-----------------------
What’s
the difference between a northern fairy tale and a southern fairy tale?
A
northern fairytale begins “Once upon a time...”
A
southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shit..
-------------------------------------------
Wed 1/19/2000 2:02 PM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Funny
e-mail addresses
Read at your own risk.
Many colleges and
businesses tend to strip the last name down to 6 characters and add the first
and middle initial to either the beginning or end to make up an e-mail address.
For example, Mary L.Ferguson = mlfergus or fergusml. They are just now
beginning to realize the problems that may happen when you have a large and
diverse pool of people to choose from.
Add to that a large database of company/college acronyms and you have
some very funny addresses.
Probably not funny to the
individual involved, however:
TOP TEN Actual E-mail
Addresses:
10. Helen Thomas Eatons
(Duke University)
9. Mary Ellen Dickinson
(IN University of Pennsylvania)
8. Francis Kevin
Kissinger (Las Verdes University)
7. Amanda Sue Pickering
(Purdue University)
6. Ida Beatrice Ballinger
(Ball State University)
5. Bradley Thomas
Kissering (Brady Electrical Northern Division, Overton Canada)
4. Isabelle Haydon Adcock
(Toys “R” Us)
3. Martha Elizibeth
Cummins (Fresno University)
2. George David Blowmer
(Drop Front Drawers & Cabinets)
But at No 1, it had to
be...
1.Barbara Joan Beeranger
(Myplace Home Decorating)
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/14/2000 9:27 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Being
PC:
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT People
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
She is not a BABE or a
CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or
MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is
HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She does not TEASE or
FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.
She is not DUMB - She is
a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND -
She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
She does not GET YOU
EXCITED -She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.
She is not KINKY - She is
a CREATIVE CARETAKER.
She does not have a
KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.
She is not an AIRHEAD -
She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
She does not get DRUNK or
TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
She is not HORNY - She is
SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
She does not have BREAST
IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
She does not NAG YOU -
She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE
She is not a SLUT - She
is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
She does not have MAJOR
LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
She is not a TWO BIT
WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
He does not have a BEER
GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN
STORAGE FACILITY
He is not a BAD DANCER -
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN
He does not GET LOST ALL
THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES
ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS
He is not BALDING - He is
in FOLLICLE REGRESSION
He is not a CRADLE ROBBER
- He prefers GENERATIONALLY
DIFFERENTIAL
RELATIONSHIPS
He does not get
FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes
ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL
He does not act like a
TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of
RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION
He is not a SEX MACHINE -
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED
He is not a MALE
CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY
He is not afraid of
COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY
CHALLENGED
He does not UNDRESS YOU
WITH HIS EYES - He has an
INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC
MOMENT
--------------------------------------------------------
Fri 1/14/2000 9:03 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Superbowl
Humor
A guy named Don receives
a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Don
arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of
the stadium—he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.
About halfway through the
first quarter, Don notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50
yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium
and around the security guards to the empty seat.
As he sits down, he asks
the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?” The man
says no.
Now, very excited to be
in such a great seat for the game, Don again inquires of the man next to him,
“This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the
Superbowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “Well,
actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she
passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven’t been to together since we
got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really
sad,” says Don, “but still, couldn’t you find someone to take the seat? A
relative or a close friend?”
“No,” the man replies,
“they’re all at the funeral.”
-------------------------------------------
Fri 1/14/2000 8:58 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
No
Subject
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would
not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were
supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live
forever, which is why I would not live forever.”
---Miss Alabama in
the 1994 Miss USA contest
2. “Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the
world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not
with all those flies and death and stuff.”
---Mariah Carey
3. “Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of
the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered
other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.”
---Matt Lauer on
NBC’s Today Show, August 22
4. “I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law.”
---David Dinkins,
New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
5. “Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important
part of your life.”
---Brooke Shields,
during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.
6. “I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.”
-
Winston Bennett, Univ. of KY basketball forward
7. “Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country.”
---Mayor Marion
Barry, Washington, DC
8. “We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.”
---Jason Kidd, upon
his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
9. “I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our
papers. We are the president.”
---Hillary Clinton
commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
10. “China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.” ---Former
French President Charles De Gaulle
11. “That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.”
---A Congressional
Candidate in Texas
12. “It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” ---Former U. S.
Vice-President Dan Quayle
13. “Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public
mind.”
---General William
Westmoreland
And last but not
least—a parting word from Dan Quayle:
14. “I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.”
---------------------------------------------------
Fri 1/7/2000 12:16 PM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Laws
of the Land
And you thought you had a
tough job
In Lebanon, men are
legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal
is punishable by death. (Like THAT makes
sense.) In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a
mirror.
Muslims are banned from
looking at the genitals of a corpse.
This also applies to undertakers; the sex organs of the deceased must be
covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times. (A brick?)
The penalty for
masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Wonder which head?)
There are men in Guam
whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
And deflower young
virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time.
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry. (Let’s
just think for a minute; is there any job anywhere else in the world that even
comes close to this?)
In Hong Kong, a betrayed
wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with
her bare hands. The husband’s lover, on
the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired. (Ah, justice!) Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool, England
- but only in tropical fish stores.
(But, of course!)
In Cali, Colombia, a
woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her
mother must be in the room to witness the act. (Makes one shudder at the
thought.)
In Santa Cruz, Bolivia,
it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same
time. (I presume this was a big enough
problem that they had to pass this law?)
In Maryland, it is
illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: prophylactics
may be dispensed from a vending machine only “in places where alcoholic
beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.” (Is this a great country
or what? Not as great as Guam, though!)
-------------------------------------------
Thu 1/6/2000 9:30 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Fastest
Gun in the West
This young man in the Old
West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive.
One
night as he was sitting
in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest
gunfighter in his day.
The young man walked up
to the old man and told him his dream.
The old man
looked him up and down
and said “I have a suggestion that is sure to help.”
“Tell me, tell me,” said
the young man.
“Tie the bottom of your
holster lower onto your leg.”
“Will that make me a
better gunfighter?”
“Definitely,” said the
old man. The young guy did what he was
told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off he piano player.
“Wow, that really
helped. Do you have any more
suggestions?”
“Yeah, if you cut a notch
in the top of your holster where the hammer hits,
the gun will come out
smoother.”
“Will that make me a
better gunfighter?”
“It sure will,” said the
old man.
The young guy did what he
was told and drew his gun and shot a cufflink off
the piano player. “This is really helping me. Is there anything else you
can share with me?”
“One more thing,” said
the old man. “Get that can of axle
grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun.”
The young fellow didn’t
hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun.
“No, the whole gun,
handle and everything.” said the old man.
“Will that make me a
better gunfighter?”
“No,” said the old man,
“But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano
he’s going to shove that
gun up your ass, and it won’t hurt as much.”
--------------------------------
The
Golf Game
On the way to meet his
regular foursome, Joe gets delayed in heavy traffic.
When he finally gets to
the club the starter tells him that he had no
choice
but to send off his three
buddies. “But,” the starter says,
“there’s a
really nice lady who’s
ready to go.” Joe protests but the starter says that
she’s very nice and a
decent player. Joe finally decides to
play with her.
During their round, Joe
realizes that he’s having a great time with her.
They laugh, talk the
whole time and, as the starter said, she’s a terrific
player. Joe invites her into the clubhouse for a
drink after the round and
it becomes 3 or 4 drinks
in two hours time. He then asks her to
go out for
dinner, and she accepts
his offer. After a great dinner, wine
and dancing
she invites Joe to her
home for a little coffee.
Well, coffee turns to
kissing and fooling around, then great sex.
Joe
looks at his watch and
sees it’s 11:00 PM and says, “Oh my god, I can’t believe
the time. I’ve got to get home to my wife” and he
bolts out the door.
When he gets home his
wife asks him where he was. He then
tells her,
“Honey I can’t believe
what I’ve done. I strayed. I was on my way to playing
with the guys early this morning
and I got caught in traffic. When I got
there,
they had been sent out
and the starter sent me out with this woman.
We were
playing and having a
really nice time. We had drinks, then
we went out for
dinner, then she invited
me back to her place, we had coffee and before I
knew it we were in her
bed. Bit-a-bang, bit-a-boom clothes
were flying,
having sex. Then I noticed the time and said that I had
to run home to you, and here I am.”
She thought about it for
a minute, looked at him and said, “You played 36
holes again didn’t
you?
-------------------------------------------------
Thu 1/6/2000 9:25 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Drivers.....
One hand on wheel, one
hand on horn: Chicago.
One hand on wheel, one
finger out window: New York.
One hand on wheel, one
finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: New Jersey.
One hand on wheel, one
hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
One hand on wheel, one
hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on
accelerator with gun in lap: L.A.
Both hands on wheel, eyes
shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
Both hands in air,
gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back
seat: Italy.
One hand on latte, one
knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle.
One hand on wheel, one
hand on hunting rifle, alternating between
both feet being on the
accelerator and both feet on the brake, throwing a
McDonalds bag out the
window: Texas.
Four wheel drive pickup
truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, squirrel tails
attached to antenna: Tennessee.
Two hands gripping wheel,
blue hair barely visible above window
level, driving 95 on the
Interstate in the left lane with the left
blinker on: Florida.
One hand on wheel, the
other holding cell phone, driving 130 mph and
four feet from your
bumper, while flashing headlights to tell you to get out of the way: Atlanta.
-------------------------------------------------------
Wed 1/5/2000 9:43 AM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
This
is pretty good!!!!!!
In the world of romance,
one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes
and you get points.
Do something she dislikes
and points are subtracted.
You don’t get any points
for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that’s the way the
game is played.
Here is a guide to the
point system:
Simple Duties:
You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but
forget to add the decorative pillows (0)
You throw the bedspread
over rumpled sheets (-1)
You leave the toilet seat
up (-5)
You replace the toilet
paper roll when it is empty (0)
When the toilet paper
roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex (-1)
When the Kleenex runs out
you use the next bathroom (-2)
You go out to buy her
extra-light panty liners with wings (+5)
In the snow (+8)
But return with beer (-5)
You check out a
suspicious noise at night (0)
You check out a
suspicious noise and it is nothing (0)
You check out a
suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with a six
iron (+10)
It’s her pet (-10)
Social Engagements:Party:
You stay by her side the
entire party (0)
You stay by her side for
a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy (-2)
Named Tiffany (-4)
Tiffany is a dancer (-6)
Tiffany has implants (-8)
Her Birthday:
You take her out to
dinner (0)
You take her out to
dinner and it’s not a sports bar (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar
(-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat
night (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s
all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted in all of the colors of your
favorite sports team (-10)
A Night Out With the
Boys:
Go with a pal (-5)
The pal is happily
married (-4)
Or frighteningly single
(-7)
And he drives a Mustang
(-10)
With a personalized
license plate that reads GR8 N BED (-15)
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie
(+2)
You take her to a movie
she likes (+4)
You take her to a movie
you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie
you like (-2)
It’s called DeathCop 9
(-3)
Which features cyborgs
that eat humans (-9)
You lied and said it was
a foreign film about orphans (-15)
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable
potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable
potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)You develop a noticeable potbelly
and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t
matter, you have one too.” (-800)
The Big Question:
She asks, “Do I look
fat?”
You hesitate in
responding (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response (-20)
Communication:
When she wants to talk
about a problem:
You listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30
minutes (+5)
You listen for more than
30 minutes without looking at the TV (+100)
She realizes this is
because you have fallen asleep (-20)
-------------------------------------------
Thu 1/6/2000 5:07 PM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
25
Signs that Your Getting OLD
1. You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
2. Your back goes out more than you do.
3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into
the room.
4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck.
5. You are proud of your lawn mower.
6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn’t
breaking any laws.
7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
8. You sing along with the elevator music.
9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
10. You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. People call at 9:00 p.m.
and ask, “Did I wake you?”
13. You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
14. You send money to PBS.
15. The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your
pants.
16. You take a metal detector to the beach.
17. You know what the word “equity” means.
18. You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
19. Your ears are hairier than your head.
20. You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.
22. You got cable for The Weather Channel.
23. You can go bowling without drinking.
24. You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
25.
People send you
this list.
--------------------------------------
Thu 1/6/2000 6:04 AM
JIM SMITH [[email protected]]
follow
the instuctions!
My family physician
told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of
his practice.
He said a woman brought
her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an
earache. He wrote a prescription for
ear drops. In the directions he wrote,
“Put two drops in right ear every four hours” and he abbreviated “right” as an
R with a circle around it.
Several days passed,
and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an
earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops
of oil.
The doctor looked at
the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the following
instructions on the label:
“Put two drops in R ear
every four hours.”
-------------------------------------------
Sat 1/15/2000 6:00 AM
Teboy Javier
[[email protected]]
CHEMISTRY TEST
The following is an
actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term. The
answer was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is
why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell
exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students
wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law, (gas cools off when it expands
and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however,
wrote the following:
First, we need to know
how the mass of Hell is changing in time.
So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate
they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to
Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell,
lets look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of
these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will
go to Hell. Since there are more than
one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number
of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now,we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s
Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which
souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the
increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until
Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate
given to me by Ms.
Teresa Banyan during my
Freshman year, “...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with
you.”, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having
sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that
Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received the
only “A” given.
“When you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.” Mark Twain
-------------------------------------------
Mon 12/27/1999 2:09 PM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
Bond
- The world is not enough
A rather confident 007
strolled into a bar and took a seat next to this beautiful woman. He gave her a
quick glance, then casually looked at his watch for a moment. Noticing his
actions, the woman next to him asked, “So, is your date running
late?”
“No,” replied Bond, “Q
gave me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”
Intrigued by his words the
woman replied, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“Well,” said Bond, “it uses Alpha waves to
communicate with me telepathically.”
“So, what’s it telling
you now?” asked the woman.
“It’s telling me that you’re not wearing any
knickers.” Bond replied.
The woman giggled and
replied, “I’m afraid your state-of-the-art watch must be broken because I
am wearing knickers.”
Red faced, Bond tapped his watch and said, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”
-------------------------------------------
Thu 12/23/1999 12:50 PM
Gurski, Edwin
[[email protected]]
Subject: FW: God bless America
What a great COUNTRY
God bless America
Imagine, if you will,
working at the following actual American Company;
It has a little over
500 employees with the following statistics:
29 have been accused of spousal abuse
7 have been arrested for fraud
At
least one has been suspected of murder.
19 have been accused of writing bad checks
117
have bankrupted at least two businesses
3 have been arrested for assault
71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit
14 have been arrested on drug-related charges
8 have been arrested for shoplifting
21 are current defendants in lawsuits
In
1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving
Can you guess which organization this is?
Give up?
It’s the 535 members,
senators and representatives, of your United States Congress. The same group that perpetually cranks out
hundreds upon hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.
-------------------------------------------
Wed 12/22/1999 1:19 PM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
Only
in Washington, DC
The ebony Xmas
story
Wuz de nite befo’ Crimmus
An all ober de hood
Evrybody was sleepin’
Dey wuz sleepin’ so good.
We hunged up our
stockins’
An hope like de heck Dat
ole Sanny Claws
Gone bring us our check!
All of de fambly Wus
lain’ in dey beds
Whilst Thunderbird Wine
Danced thru dey haids.
I’d passed out on de’ flo
Rite next to my maw
When I heard such a fuss
I thunk...”It must be de
law!”
I looked out de bars
What covered my doe
Spectin de sheriff
Wid a warrant fo sho!
An what I did seen
Made me say “Lawd look at
dat”!
Dwy wuz a huge watermelon
pulled by giant wharf
rats!
Now ober all dese years
Sanny claws be white
But looks like us bro’s
Gets a black Sanny dis
nite.
Faster dan a Po-lice car
My homeboy, he came
He whipped on dem wharf
rats
An called dem by name.
On Leroy! On Roosevelt!
On Lonzo! On Willie!
On Jamal! On Curtis!
Dey sho’ nuff wuz silly!
As he landed on dat
watermelon
Out dare in de skreet
I knowed it wuz fosho
Da damndest site i ebber
did seent.
He didn’s do down de
chimbley
He picked de lock on my
doe.
An i sez to mysef
“Shit, he dun dat befo’!”
He had dis big bag
Full of presents, i
spect’
Wid Air Jordans and fake
gold
To wear aroun’ my neck.
But he lef no good
presents
Jes’ starred stealin’ my
shit
Got my drugs, stole my
guns
An even my burglar’s kit.
Wit my stuff in de bag
Out de winder he flew
I sho wudda stabbed him
But he stole my knife
too!
He jumped on dat watermelon
An whupped out a switch
He was gone in sekkun
Dat son-of -a -bitch!
Next year I be hoppin’
A white Sanny we git
Cus’ a black Sanny Claws
Jes’ ain’t wuff a shit!
-------------------------------------------------
Wed 12/22/1999 4:01 PM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
Ten Years...
A man, alone on an island
for ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
“It’s certainly not a
ship,” he thinks. And as the speck gets
closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibility of a small boat,then
even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from
the surf comes this drop-dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and
scuba gear. She approaches the stunned
guy and asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over and
unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh
cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man!
Is that ever good!”
She then asks him, “How
long has it been since you’ve had a sip of bourbon?”
Trembling, he
replies,”Ten years!”
She reaches over, unzips
her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask, and gives it to
him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig, and says, “Wow, that’s absolutely
fantastic!”
Then she starts slowly
unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at
him seductively, and asks, “And how long has it been since you’ve played
around?”
The guy, with tears in his eyes, replies, “Oh my God! Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!”
-------------------------------------------
Mon 12/20/1999 6:39 PM
Charles V. Bielaski
[[email protected]]
CHURCH HUMOR
“Knock Knock”
A new pastor moved into
town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners.
All went well until he
came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the
door even after he had knocked several times.
Finally, he took out
his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was
counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his
message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”
Revelation 3:20 reads:
“Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hears my
voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and
he with me.”
Genesis 3:10 reads:
“And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, but I was naked, and I hid
myself.”
-------------------------------------------
Mon 12/20/1999 9:57 AM
Gamblin, Christine
[[email protected]]
Computer
Gender
A language teacher was
explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts,
are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like “chalk” or
“pencil”, she described, would have a gender association although in English
these words were of neutral gender. Puzzled, one student raised his hand and
asked, “What gender is a computer?”
The teacher wasn’t
certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them
to decide if a computer shuld be masculine or feminine. One group was composed
of the women in the class, and the other of men. Both groups were asked to give
four reasons for their recommendation.
The group of women
concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the
time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, your realize that if you have waited
a little longer, you could have had a better model.
The men, on the other
hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine
gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers
is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for
later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half you paycheck on accessories for it.
-------------------------------------------
Fri 12/17/1999 4:31 PM
JIM SMITH
[[email protected]]
macho
kinda story!
It was Saturday morning
as Jake, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season.
He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he
finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
Jake asks her: “What are
you up to?”
Alice smiles: “I’m going
hunting with you!” Jake, though he had many reservations about this,
reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site.
Jake sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: “If you see a
deer, take careful aim on it and I’ll come running back as soon as I hear the
shot.” Jake walks away with a smile on
his face knowing that Alice couldn’t bag an elephant - much less a deer. Not 10
minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots. Quickly, Jake starts running back. As Jake
gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: “Get away from my
deer!” Confused, Jake races faster
towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: “Get away from my
deer!” followed by another volley of gunfire! Now within sight of where he had
left his wife, Jake is surprised to see a cowboy (from Texas?), with his hands
high in the air. The cowboy, obviously
distraught, says: “Okay, lady, okay!!!!
You can have your deer!!!
Just let me get my saddle off it!”
-------------------------------------------
Thu 12/16/1999 6:49 PM
JIM SMITH [[email protected]]
cute story
And God created...
God created the mule, and
told him:
“You will be mule,
working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and you lack intelligence.
You will live for 40 years.”
The mule answered, “To
live like this for 40 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20.” And it was so.
Then God created the dog,
and told him:
“You will hold vigilance
over the dwellings of Man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will
eat his table scraps and live for 30 years.”
And the dog responded,
“Lord, to live 30 years as a dog is too much. Please, no more than 15
years.” And it was so.
God then created the
monkey, and told him:
“You are Monkey. You
shall swing from tree to tree, acting like you lack intelligence. You will be
funny, and you shall live for 20 years.”
And the monkey responded,
“Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much. Please, Lord,
give me no more than 10 years.” And
it was so.
Finally, God created Man
and told him:
“You are Man, the only
rational being that walks the earth.
You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the
world. You will dominate the earth and live for20 years.”
And the man responded,
“Lord, to be Man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 20 years the mule refused, the 15 years
the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected.”
And so God made Man to
live 20 years as a man.
Then marry and live 20
years working like a mule carrying heavy loads on his back.
Then, he is to have
children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the
leftovers after the family empties the pantry.
In his old age, he is to live 10 years as a monkey, acting
like a clown to amuse his grandchildren
-------------------------------------------